Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!
There was this really fat guy that wanted to lose weight but no matter what diet he tried, nothing worked.. well one day, as he was reading the paper, he saw an ad that said LOSE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU WANT FOR ONLY $1 A POUND. He gets excited and calls the number provided and tells them he wants to lose 10 pounds.
Well they tell him that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. The next morning the door bell rings and he opens the door to find a really hot blonde with a sign on her chest - "if you catch me you can have me"- and the blonde runs off. Well the fat guy started chasing her, and after a while he caught her and they had sex. after she left, he checked his wieght and saw that he lost the ten pounds. So the next day he calls and says he wants to lose 20 pounds. Same thing happens. He chases the hot blonde, catches her and in the processes loses 20 pounds.
Well he decides that the 30 pounds he lost so far are not enough so he calls them and tells them that he wants to lose 50 pounds. the person on the other line asks him
"Sir are you sure? thats too much weight to be lost all at once." and he replies
"Hell ya im sure" so they say that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. The next morning he wakes up to the ringing door bell. Excited about losing more wieght and screwing a hot chick, he jumps out of the bed, opens the door and finds himself face to face with a HUGE gorilla, and the gorilla has a sign on its chest.
"If i catch you, ill fuck the shit out of you"