A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

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Its a good theory, enjoy!

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

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After all my years with computers this is still true

_{Created @ stripcreator.com}

A thanks for @bigmadkev for this little on topic gem!

Man walking along kicks a tin can and out pops a genie.

"I will grant you one wish" says the genie.

"I want to live forever" says the man.

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I thought I had posted this one already, but I can't reference to it though that might be because I've been up since 4:20am with my brain ticking over like mad? Enjoy!

Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

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I'm now thinking blu-tack is better http://www.b3ta.com/board/9891074

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

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Well after a long hiatus I thought a new Friday Joke is was order in the new year!

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

Its been a while but I'm slowly trying to get back in to blogging. To make up heres something to make you smile for the weekend. Enjoy!

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it rough, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it, and I'm on an expense account so money doesn't mean anything. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, Sir, but for an outside line you need to dial 9'.

Its been a couple of weeks since the last Fridays joke as I've been crazy busy recently. I have also been following the recents bits of info leaking out as ColdFusion 9 and Bolt ColdFusion Builder have been doing the rounds at the UG's recently, so now is as good as time as ever to check out your local user group. Enjoy!

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red.............cherry,'
Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,
'Orange .........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My goodness!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Please update your bookmarks and feeds for my site.

I now have a Mango Blog at:

http://www.andyjarrett.com/blog

Feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/andyjarrett

Don't forget if you've got a corker of a joke sitting in your inbox to send it in and you'll be entered in to my Scotch on the road competition where you can win a free ticket to one of the 3 events being held up and down the country. Enjoy!

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

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For first prize in the the Fridays Joke: Scotch on the Road competition there is now 1 ticket for Scotch on the Road up for Grabs! You can use this ticket at ANY of the three venues, London, Manchester, or Edinburgh

Nick Tong from TalkWebSolutions.co.uk has sponsored my Fridays Joke: Scotch on the Road competition to offer this prize so get your entries in.

The prizes:

• 3rd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Monday, June 1st which is the first day, London, conference.
• 2nd place will get their joke posted on my blog on Wednesday, June 3rd which is the second day, Manchester, conference.
• 1st place will get 1 Ticket to Scotch on the Road and they will be the Fridays Joke on both my blog and the Scotch blog on the June 5th which coincides with the last day Edinburgh event. Plus there is a bottle of whisky i'm giving away that I was fortunate enough to win at a previous Scotch event

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