- Guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He says I'll have a scotch and a beer for 'Tiny' here. The bartender says 'Why do you call him Tiny?' Guy replies 'Beacause he's my newt'.
- God tells a priest that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The priest tells his parishioners he has good news and bad news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.
God then tells a rabbi that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The rabbi tells his congregation he has good news and bad news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.
God then tells the last of the three, Bill Gates, that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. Gates tells his employees he has good news and very good news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The very good news is, you don't have to worry about fixing Windows 95
- Two peanuts are walking down a dark alley. One is assaulted... peanut.
"Dad" says the boy, "Can you explain society?"
The dad thinks for a little bit and responds "Son, let me put it this way. Society is kind of like our family. You see, I'm like big business because I make all the money your mother is like the government because she takes it all your nanny is like the working class because she does everything around here you, son, are the public - you depend on all of us to survive while your baby brother represents the future."
"Does that make sense to you son?" Asks the father. The boy replies no, so the dad suggests he go off and think about it some.
That night the boy is woken by the sounds of his baby brother crying. The baby cries and cries, yet nobody goes to check on him so finally the boy gets out of bed and takes a look. It quickly becomes apparent the baby has a soiled diaper so the boy runs off to his parents room to get someone. He knocks but nobody answers, he knocks again and still no response. After peaking his head in the room he sees his mother sleeping but his dad is missing.
Undiscouraged the boy goes to the Nannys room and hears a commotion as he is about to knock. Looking inside he sees his dad having sex with the Nanny and knows he won't get any help from them. Frustrated he heads back to bed.
The next morning the boy goes back to his dad and says, "Dad, I think I understand this society stuff now."
"Really? Well tell me about it." responds the dad.
"Well, while big business is screwing the working class the government is fast asleep, the public is being ignored, and the future is in deep shit."
"oh no! i lost an electron!"
the other says, "are you sure?"
to which the first replies, "i'm POSITIVE!"
"what'll ya have".
The bear replies, "I'll have aaaaa... ...beer".
The bartender then says, "sure thing, but why the big pause?"
And the bear says, "Hey, I'm a bear!" ha ha, get it, pause -> paws.
"Well, I ran out of presents and had to give her something" Santa explained.
The other guy asks the guy with the door, "could you please open the window, its hot in here!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and yell, ;WHO'S HORNY??!!"; and she acts like she's sound asleep!
"ooh, that's a nice name, we were going to call him albert".